Fight or Flight

Posted on April 15, 2013

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I don’t think I have ever been in a relationship that I initially planned on being in.  I’ve never looked for one intentionally and the ones that I did end up in were with girls I wouldn’t have expected to be with in the first place.

Being the anxious person that I am, I have a tendency to jump head first into situations.  It’s sort of always been that way with me.  I’m an All or Nothing, Fight or Flight type of guy.  When you jump into a relationship like that, 99% of the time they end in disaster.  The other 1% is pure luck of the draw.  I have yet to experience that 1%.

I’ve heard it from everywhere…”oh you’re such a nice guy, you deserve someone special” or ”why are you single?” or the ever so popular “don’t worry, you will find someone”.

To tell the truth, I have never wanted to find someone.  I’ve always wanted someone special though.  There is a difference.  Do I want someone to actually give a shit about me?  To be there no matter what?  To have someone to call just to say “I love you”?  Absolutely.  I’ve had that for 3 months at a time a few times.  Before it went sour of course…

The way I have lived my life the past 11 years has forced me to make sacrifices.  Love being one of them.  Doing what made me happy and not willing to change that to venture onto some other type of happiness.  Not from a lack of trying mind you.  There were two specific points in my life where I thought I was in love.  Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t.  Maybe I thought I was but was only kidding myself.  If anyone asked me if I know what love is, my answer would probably be that I don’t know.

So far I am batting a thousand at not getting it right.  I don’t hold grudges on any of my ex girlfriends, I don’t place blame on anyone or anything, I just ask questions.  Did I do something wrong, was there something I didn’t do, was it my fault, was it not my fault?  The words “I love you” don’t form in my voice without some serious heavy lifting and only two girls have had the chance to hear it for real.  Or maybe it wasn’t for real and I was just jaded.

Whatever the case may be, whatever I find out love to be, one thing is for certain; if I have to change in order to make someone else happy then its not worth my time.

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Posted in: Love, My Life