Crash, Burn, Reboot.

Posted on December 5, 2012

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Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

J.K. Rowling

My Demise and Rise

I could feel my heartbeat in my head.  I didnt want my eyes to open.  I wanted to just keep them shut and wipe the last 24 hours out of my mind.  As my eyes opened I could feel the nausea, the pain.  I kept squinting from the bright lights and thinking to myself, “This must be a nightmare!”

As I sat on the edge of my bed, clutching the sides of my head as it felt ready to explode, my mind racing with every possible question I could muster; “How the hell did this happen?”  “Where did this all start?”  I was totally ashamed of myself.  I was embaressed.  I felt I had nobody.  I felt all my friends had turned on me and looked down at me.  My anxiety levels had peaked and the shaking in my body was so bad that I could not even stand.  It was 3 years ago I was faced with anxiety that I could not explain.  And it only took 1 year to come around full swing and bring me to my knees.  This is the story of how I lost it.  This is my story…of how I hit rock bottom.  Welcome to my fucking nightmare!

Ive always had an addiction to adrenaline.  For as long back as I can remember, taking things slow was never an option for me.  I was always in high gear straight ahead, never looking back.  I was used to that.  I absolutely had to be active and pushing myself into dangerous situations, going over the top and being as vibrant as possible.  My life has a rhythm to it…and as with any rhythm, if it is disrupted than you crash and burn.  This is why extreme sports were always my drug of choice, and why I play the drums.  It best fits my “all or nothing” personality and fuels my adrenaline addicted lifestyle.  But there is a serious price to pay.  The debt you cash in when things slow down.  Because when things slowed down…I panicked.  I was dazed, confused, completely lost, depressed and un-motivated to say the least.  That is the cost.

For whatever reason I wasnt happy with my job.  It was stressful to say the least but it never really made me feel any feeling of accomplighment.  I was involved in a relationship that was rocky at best.  I felt very untrusted and was constantly looking for ways to salvage it and make it better, but no matter what I did it seemed like everything just went horribly wrong.  My anxiety levels had gotten so bad that I was socially unstable.  I was teching for two bands at the time and for me to actually function right around other people, I needed some kind of lubricant to ease the tension.  I chose alcohol.  It was the easiest to acquire.  Im not used to that because I have something that cannot be bought and cannot be taught.  Incredible charisma.  Looking back I cant really pin point the exact moment my life took a turn.  Thats another new experience for me because I never forget anything.  I have eidetic memory.  Im used to remembering anything and everything.  Im used to being focused and active, up to par and on my game.  I cant really tell you where it all started.  But I can tell you how it ended!

It was November 26, 2011.  Id been though alot up to this point and I basically had one foot off the ledge and another on a bannana peel.  Of course I was blind to the fact.  I hid everything.  I was too proud to accept help from anybody and I damn sure wasnt doing any justice for myself on my own.  Even though at times I thought I was.  I had a show at none other than Bamboo Bernies one cold Saturday night.  I was relaxing at my home when I get a phone call around 3:00 from a friend to help him with something.  Never turning down a friend in need of help, I quickly agreed.  I mean, Ive got 5 hours before I have to be at the club…Ive got time right?  A board to the back of the head changed all that.  Opening my eyes and looking at the clock, I noticed it was after 9:00!  With my head pounding, the burden of yet another bad, blind decision, my phone smashed and the thought racing through my head…”FUCK, I missed the show!”

Because of the constant worrying for no fucking reason, the flashes of depression I would fall into, the constant mental torture from a distraught relationship…I felt as if it would just always be one thing after another, things going wrong, nothing getting better and the complete lack of motivation that was destined to be my life.

I tried bringing myself back into the music scene one more time only to figure out that I couldnt hang tough being in the emotional state I was in.  I ended up blowing the entire show.

Everything up to this point was entirely self inflicted.  I let myself be apart of an unrepairable relationship, I let stupid and undesirable emotions get the best of me and let myself fall into a pit of depression far beyond comprehension.  It couldnt get any worse.  So I thought…

December 16th, 2011.  Friends knew I was in a rough patch so they invited me out for some drinks.  I knew the guys playing at Looney’s North in Bel Air and figured it wouldnt hurt to go up there to see them.  Started off normal but as I threw back my second drink I felt a sharp pain hit the side of my body.  I instantly got lightheaded and started sweating profusely.  I walked into the bathroom to splash some water on my face….

Now I would love to tell you what happened after I came out of the bathroom.  Some people know what happened.  But I dont.  I dont want to know.  Because the next thing I remember, Im handcuffed to a bench at the Bel Air police department.  A DUI, are you kidding me?  What the fuck happened?  There was that phone call to my dad from the police station that lowered me to a place I had yet to experiance.

So there I sat, on the edge of my bed clutching my head.  It had to be a nightmare, but it wasnt.  What was my girl going to think of this?  What do my parents think of me?  Shit, Ive let down my friends yet again!  I felt completely empty.  There is no lower than this.  I threw my hands in the air and said, “I give up”.  I cannot escape anxiety and emotional distress on my own.

Since then, I have never said once that I regret getting a DUI.  I let myself get worse and worse over a 2 year span.  I went from a confident, charismatic, fun-loving, care free bag of awesomeness to a tired, worn down, constant worrying, overweight, damaged human shell.  The DUI was my wake up call…and I embraced the hell out of it!

As the time progressed, I got back to my roots.  I faced a few consequences and grew stronger than I was before.  I crawled out of the hole of depression I thought was too deep to ever overcome.  I stop worrying and went back to the care free guy I had always been.  I lost all of my stress induced weight and  I came to realization that I was in a relationship with someone that didnt love me.  I regained my social charisma and grew back my confidence.  I didnt change. No, No, No.  Im still the same guy I was before this whole mess.  I like to think of it as a reboot but with stronger building blocks.

With all this said, Id like to throw a thanks to family for their support.  Id like to thank my friends for their support as well and the trust that they still have in me even after I let them down countless times.  And to a very special lady who was by my side the entire time.  Sue, I love you and I couldnt have done it without you!

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Posted in: My Life